The Gospel Of Parenthood, According To Tina And Amy

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Put down the parenting books, stop Googling, hang up with your mom. Want to know what being a mom (or dad) is really like? Here are 16 undeniable facts about life as a parent, in the words of Golden Globe hosts and goddesses of the universe, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

"I never get to go to movies, because I'm a mom." -- Tina

"Sleep at this point is just a concept, something I’m looking forward to investigating in the future." -- Amy

"You're just like a human napkin for kids, like, they just wipe their face on you and stuff."-- Tina

“When you’re a twerking mother, balance is really important because you don't want to go too low and blow out your butt and bust your knee." -- Amy

“It is less dangerous to draw a cartoon of Allah French-kissing Uncle Sam — which, let me make it very clear, I have not done — than it is to speak honestly about [working moms].” -- Tina

“There’s a lot of peeing.” -- Amy

"I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement." -- Tina

“Sometimes I forget where I’m driving them to. I do just stop in the middle of road and go, ‘Where are we going? How are we in this car? Who am I dropping off? and Where are we going?’ That happens a lot. It’s a lot of forgetful stuff that every mother has to deal with.” -- Amy

"Whatever you do breastfeeding-wise -- great. Great. Whatever." -- Tina

"Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces." -- Amy

“Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.” -- Tina

“Sometimes you need to straight up yell at them." -- Amy

"It’s so funny because they’re not strong enough to kill you. And they want to kill you so bad! They can’t kill you. Not yet. Try again in a couple years." -- Tina

"When you're a stay-at-home mother you have to pretend it's really boring, but it's not. It's enriching and fulfilling, and an amazing experience. And then when you're a working mother you have to pretend that you feel guilty all day long." -- Amy

"You go through big chunks of time where you're just thinking, 'This is impossible — oh, this is impossible.' And then you just keep going and keep going, and you sort of do the impossible." -- Tina

And for the grand finale: an excerpt from Tina Fey's “A Mother’s Prayer for Her Daughter”

And when she one day turns on me and calls me a Bitch in front of Hollister, Give me the strength, Lord, to yank her directly into a cab in front of her friends, For I will not have that Shit. I will not have it.

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